I clicked on my email icon and took a big gulp of my coffee to brace me against the huge backlog that I knew was waiting for me. One of the messages caught my eye, but before I could open it, Patience broke the silence. "Who was that woman you were spending all your time with for the last couple days?"
Women have a way of saying 'that woman' so as to suggest questionable moral character. You cannot tell if the message is in the tone, the emphasis on a particular syllable, or in the facial expression that accompanies the phrase. But it is there and you have to deal with it. I was in a playful mood so I ignored the taunt and said "Just an old friend from high school." I knew that she wanted more, but I didn't feel like giving in just yet. I felt this way partly because I wanted to tease her. After all, she didn't want me prying into her life. But mainly I wasn't sure how much of this relationship I was willing to admit, to her or to myself.
"Is she special?" Patience continued to probe.
"Do you mean, am I sleeping with her?" I asked, knowing full well that it would aggravate her.
She looked at me with that - men are soooo stupid - look and said. "No I mean, is she special?"
"What makes you think she's special," I stalled.
"Because when you aren't pretending to be macho and nonchalant, you are falling all over yourself trying to do things for her!"
"Don't sugar coat it, Patience. Say what you really think." I returned, sensing that I was loosing the tug of war.
She didn't say anything. She just sat there looking at me like she was waiting for me to grow up.
I thought about it for a moment and then said, "Yeah, I guess she is special." I paused for another moment and then added "very special."
"Well, O.K. then." Patience concluded and turned happily back to her keyboard. Sherry was just smiling, enjoying the situation but keeping her distance.
I opened the email that had caught my eye. The message was from Haggerty. It said:
Tad, I tried to work on your side of cyberspace. I almost made it, but you couldn't let go of those missing web pages. We could have made a great team. But now we are forever on different sides. I would like to say that there are no hard feelings, but you get to sit in the sunshine of self-fulfillment while I have to hide in the dark corridors of false identities. My bitterness will grow with your reputation and my mission will be to insure that you never enjoy complacency or satisfaction. I would have done anything to have had it otherwise.
Your old drinking buddy,
Franklin Haggerty of the MOV
I wrote back:
Frank, you are fooling yourself into thinking that you are a victim of circumstances. I know the feeling all too well. We struggle with the hand we are dealt thinking that it is the hand that matters. It's not. It is how well you play the hand that you are dealt that really matters. I don't think you are playing your cards very well right now, but that is your choice. For my part, I bear no resentment. In fact I look forward to the challenges you provide if you choose to go that route. From time to time I will toast to your well being.
Your friend,
Thaddeus J. Wentworth, IV
I looked up from my screen. Patience was growling something at her computer. Apparently, she and Smitty were having a disagreement through email. Sherry was fixing a chipped nail. I thought about all that had transpired in the last week or so. I was feeling solid and focused. It was wrong for me to try to be a single thing. I was many things. I was a friend to my colleagues and a mentor to my students. I was a philosopher, a professor and soon to be a gentleman of means. I was Thaddeus J. Wentworth, IV Gumshoe in Cyberspace and arch enemy of Franklin Haggerty of the MOV. More importantly I was Julie Fantod's other half.
I felt good about all this. Angle came in and I said to the three or them, "I don't tell you guys often enough how special you really are."
Angel gave me a suspicious look and said "You've been really maudlin ever since you started hanging around with that woman."
"Maudlin?" I teased. "Where did you get that word? Have you been studying for the GRE?"
"Knock it off you two." Sherry interjected.
"No, I really mean it." I said. "I think you guys are really something special and I don't want you to think that I just take you for granted."
Angel looked at me with suspicion. Sherry smiled but did not look up from her chipped nail. Patience snapped at me that she was trying to concentrate on her email. A great sense of calm and comfort descended over me as I relaxed in my chair. For the first time in twenty-five years, I had no other place to go. I had found my place in the world.