"But, I talked to some faculty in the Physics Department. That's where I got the information", I protested.
"Well, that's not what they said. For example, you imply that the belief that there was nothing before the Big Bang is just a part of their belief system. They say it is a fact. And you say that they earth was formed 5 billion years ago. They say that they earth is only four and a half billion years old. With factual errors like that, they want no part of your series."
"What about the Anthropology Department?" I asked hopefully.
"It was even worse with them. They went on about homo habelus, homo erectus, cro magnon, Neanderthals, and on and on. They said that they have never heard of anything as ridiculous as an eastward heading Asian hominid. They claim you just made that up."
"How do you know that they didnt just make up their stuff?" I asked in my defense. "I mean, come on, homo erectus? Sound likes the star of a gay porno flick. How do you know that they arent just putting you on? Theyre probably back in their offices, right now, having a great laugh at your expense."
"I think you are just being defensive." Higgenbothom replied with great authority. "Besides, I'm not done. I also went to the Linguistics Department and they say that this word Shazam that you keep using does not exist in any known Indo-European language. In fact, it does not exist in any known language of any origin. I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and see if it was some sort of slang expression so I went over to the library and tried looking it up in a variety of dictionaries."
"Well?" I prompted.
"I found it in the Oxford English Dictionary", Higgenbothom proclaimed as though only a man of his intellectual stature would have been able to complete this task. "It was invented in the 1940s by an Action character named Captain Marvel and picked up later by a sitcom character named Gomer Pyle. It is almost certain that the first European settlers in America did not use that expression."
Seeing that there was no way out of the corner that I had painted myself into, I decided to come clean. "OK, OK. So I took a little literary license", I admitted.
"You mean that you just made some stuff up", Higgenbothom corrected.
"Maybe I did," I protested. "But history can be really boring and I just thought I would spice it up a bit. Besides, when you hired me you said that you had hired me because I was creative. You said that if there wasnt a story, I could just make one up. Have you changed your mind?"
"Well, it isn't so much that I changed my mind", Higgenbothom conceded slowly. "I received a message from the master."
As he said this he absent-mindedly rubbed a large bump on his upper right forehead. Sally Nestermeyer, who was, by all appearances, oblivious to the conversation, emitted a sharp raspy squeak as though somebody had stepped on a whoopee cushion. But she recovered quickly, smiled sweetly and folded up the newspaper she had been reading. She then turned to her keyboard and began typing with all of the professional composure of one putting the final touches on a legal brief.
Higgenbothom ignored Sally's outburst completely. His eyes glazed over slightly with a far away look as though he were drifting into some sort of a reverie.
"Now, what I want is Facts", he began as though he were reciting a prepared speech. "Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out everything else. You can only form the minds of reasoning animals upon Facts: nothing else will ever be of any service to them."
"So you don't want me to make up any more stuff", I enquired, "even if it does make more interesting copy?"
"Stick to the Facts, Sir!" he proclaimed, loudly and sharply, drawing a large breath in through flared nostrils as though he were savoring the complex intellectual flavor of his words.
"I will try", I offered weakly. "But, I dont know if I can write in the style that you are looking for. It sounds so dry and uninspired."
"Well, maybe we need to take a slightly different approach", Higgenbothom said speculatively as he came out of his reverie. "There is any number of interesting characters at the University. Why don't you line up some interviews? You can do a series highlighting some of the faculty. The people of Foggy Bottom are both proud and parochial. They love having the locals spotlighted. Do you think you can do that without turning it into anything weird?"
"I'll try", I conceded.
There is a full-length mirror on the wall by the window in the editorial office of the Foggy Bottom Foghorn. Sally ignores it entirely, while Higgenbothom seems to enjoy admiring himself in it, especially in his more animated moments. I always check the mirror quickly on the way in and out of the office. I have heard it said that when you loose your identity or when you know longer seem to know who you are that you may walk by a mirror and not recognize your self. So in times of stress and uncertainly, I always keep an eye on the mirror.
The problem is, when somebody doesn't like the way you write, it is just like when somebody doesn't like the way you look. It isn't something that you can change all that easily.
I decided to have my first interview with Professor Leon Trout whom I had taken several writing classes with. If anybody could help me out of this corner that I had painted myself into he could. So I set up the interview. I figured I could get double duty out of it. I could get an interview for the paper and some guidance on how to change my style. I had no idea just how profound that change would be.
"Who are you going to interview?" Higgenbothom boomed.
"Professor Leon Trout", I replied.
"Hmmmm.. Something fishy about that name", he opined. Higgenbothom held his face in stern consternation until a beaming smile broke through. "Get it boy? Trout, fishy? Oh, that is a good one. Sometimes, I even impress myself."
He slapped me on the back to send me on my way. Sally had gone back to her newspaper. I glanced at her computer screen as I walked out. Blinking on the screen, in an extra large font, were the words "What an ass!! What An Ass!! WHAT AN ASS!!!!"
Higgenbothom had his feet up on his desk as though he were finding a comfortable position for a nap. I headed out the door to meet with Professor Trout.